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[cozen]

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[sulahnan]

[ Athessa takes a breath to say no, no, I was gonna say— but then the actually thinks about his invented hypothetical. ]

Hmm. Now there's an idea...

[ She's already finished her lunch, so it's just busywork on her lap that she's neglecting for the sake of hypotheticals. ]

[cozen]

Dicks, [ he offers, crossing the Ts and dotting the Is on a long word. ]

[sulahnan]

Propaganda, [ she counters, redacting things from the top page on her lap with broad strokes. ]

[cozen]

[ Very seriously: ] Propagandicks.

[sulahnan]

[ After one second of serious reflection: ] Cockaganda.

[cozen]

[ He laughs, in a quiet huffy way, and nudges her with his leg. It's a forfeit. Can't top that. ]

What was your real question?

[sulahnan]

Oh, right. [ Hard to resist getting caught up in the moment when she gets one up on Baz. She twists a bit and rests her forearm on the bench. ]

Hypothetically speaking, at what point does sobriety become more of a liability than inebriation? Like...you know how I am. And maybe one day I'll be able to calm myself down with [ a little finger wiggle like woo ] Techniques. But say someone is worse than me, would it be less of a liability for them to be stoned in the field, or prone to panic and impulse?

[ She was telling the truth when she said it was a real hypothetical; nothing about her body language or manner of speaking says she's thinking about this with any shame or embarrassment or whatever else one might be influenced by if they were, say, considering getting high in the midst of battle. Athessa's taking her job seriously, moreso every day, and she just seems genuinely curious. ]

[cozen]

[ It's an interesting question. One with a lot of variables, obviously, like: ]

I think it would depend a lot on what they were meant to be doing. Soldiers who only have to march and stab on command could get away with more than, you know.

[ Spies. ]

[sulahnan]

Hm. Yeah, I guess it'd be harder for, you know — [ Spies. ] — whose whole job is talking, and keeping track of moving pieces. But there's a point of panic where you're no more able to keep track of all that than you would be in a fitful state.

[cozen]

Someone who expects to be that panicked, far enough in advance to get stoned in anticipation—they should probably have a different assignment.

[ That said, ]

I used to work high sometimes. It’s a good way to get people talking, you know, and they will be suspicious if you don’t participate. As long as everything went as planned it was fine. A little hairier with they didn’t, but I’m obviously not dead, so...

If it’s just jitters they probably wouldn’t need so much.

[sulahnan]

[ That's fair, the tip of her head says. ]

I guess people can build up a tolerance, too, right? So they can handle more.

[ Hm. What if Athessa could build up a tolerance to her feelings? Isn't that what she's missing, anyway? Fourteen years without drinking would turn anyone teetotaler. ]

We should smoke together when we go on that vacation. I bet getting high on a beach is really nice.

[cozen]

That sounds nice. Add it to the list.

[ The imaginary list, you know, called ATHESSA & BASTIEN’S RIVAINI DREAM VACATION.

He stops writing his letter, starts folding and sealing. ]

What is making you think of this? Is someone panicking?

[sulahnan]

[ She mimes adding GET HIGH ON A BEACH to that imaginary list. ]

Not that I know of, no. I was just thinking about the times I've panicked about silly things and smoked to calm down, and wondered what if.

[ The closest she's come to panicking while on a mission was after that Maleficar took control, but clearly she kept it together long enough to escape, shove the fear aside, and seek comfort in Derrica's bed. (It's why she has a nervous tic, now, one she's been trying to hide since Bastien started training her.) 🙃 ]

[cozen]

[ sweetie :c ]

Mm. I wonder if an apothecary could come up with something. Something that would not last as long, just interrupt it for a moment. Like when people scream or slap someone to make them focus and then they are a bit better.

[sulahnan]

[ it's fine she just over-corrects little involuntary finger twitches by flexing her hand it's fiiiine ]

Maybe. [ She thinks on it for a moment, then decides to add a little reassurance, just in case. ] Until then I'm going to continue only smoking when I'm not working.

[cozen]

[ He laughs a little, like it’s a joke, because he wasn’t worried. ]

We could try some training exercises that way, if you want. See how you feel about it. But, ah—

[ He glances up at the back/side of her head. ]

Are you doing all right?

[sulahnan]

[ She turns her head to look at him, as if she might see what, specifically, he means. He knows she's a mess and the various factors playing into that. It's unlikely he doesn't know that she's pretending to be fine for the sake of getting through each day without collapsing, because she's nowhere near as good a pretender as he. So Athessa looks at him, determines that she doesn't know which specific contributor he's asking after, and shrugs. ]

Am I not hiding it well?

[cozen]

No, no. You have a very good brave face.

[ He stops writing to lean forward over the bench, one arm folded to pillow his chin, pen hand prodding her cheek with the inkless end in an aimless, gentle way that’s only intended to be slightly obnoxious. ]

Ouaip. No cracks at all.

[sulahnan]

[ Of course he succeeds at gentle-but-slightly-obnoxious, which is in itself charming and coaxes a laugh out of her even as she fends off the pen with her own. En garde. ]

Bon, merci, then I am as alright as I need to be right now.

[cozen]

If you like.

[ He keeps the pen fighting up while he talks, in a lazy way. ]

But you can still talk to me when you are not falling apart, you know. And you not have to talk about something once and then consider it be over forever. Talking is good for you.

[sulahnan]

I do want to talk to you when I'm not falling apart,

[ She swivels, draping her legs over his (if they're sticking out under the bench) and taking care not to crush his knees or anything. The idea that she only talks to people when she's troubled about something or falling apart is one that has been weighing on her lately, which has contributed to her not talking to people she cares about, which doesn't really help anything. ]

But I also don't want to keep talking about myself right now. I wanna talk about...ya know. Happier things.

[cozen]

[ Bastien thinks about it for a moment, then says, ]

D'accord.

[ He'd still like her to talk about things that bother her before she's crying about them, but he can certainly respect wanting to focus on something positive. So. ]

Have you heard any interesting gossip lately?

[sulahnan]

No, not really, just a lot of exceedingly dull rumors, [ she's clearly feigning boredom because she knows that this particular rumor would hold his interest. ]

Apparently someone's working on making a new puppet show based on some old Orlesian stories. What were they called...? Blue Dog? Brown Falcon? Something like that.

[cozen]

What?

[ He's briefly too excited to be offended by the transparently fake name-forgetting. ]

Who? When? –and if you call him the Blue Dog again, [ now he can be offended, ] I will cry.

[sulahnan]

[ Her half-hearted pen duel is quickly lost so she can force his hand in her own defeat, pretending to be grievously injured in the shoulder the way heroes always are. ]

I'll— I'll never tell! Augh!