[Benedict's glance flits up to Bastien, a bit of a sheepish smile reaching his eyes before it dwindles again,]
...not unprecedented. I'm a bit worried about him, but at least he requested protection for the mission. I suppose he just. Didn't like that I also did.
[ Bastien wobbles his head in silent equivocation. Maybe Byerly has told him at some point that Benedict knows he's a spy, but even if not, Bastien knows they were together in Val Chevin, while Byerly picked off Vints with a crossbow from the deck of their doomed ship. Benedict must know he's not a fraction as helpless as he playacts. ]
I'm certain it's more than he doesn't like the idea of you needing it, [ for any number of reasons, ] not that he doesn't want you to have it if you do.
[ After a moment, thoughtfully: ]
I don't know if it has anything to do with it, but it is hard for us, sometimes, you know. Magic. It's scary. It's weird. And it doesn't always seem fair. You are not the only dangerous people in the world, of course, but I worked for years to be dangerous— [ With a smile; he's a little chubby around the middle, he's eating soup, it's funny. ] —but any fifteen-year-old mage could still set me on fire without having to sweat.
[Though not irritated by Bastien's qualification of his opinion, it does seem to make Benedict tired, his eyes dropping toward the floor once again as he hears it.]
I won't deny that mages are dangerous, [he says in a low voice,] I learned from some of the best. I was... well I was dosed with magebane for a reason, at least the first time I was below.
[He purses his lips, pausing a moment before continuing.]
But I was... I fought with Riftwatch in the Battle of Ghislain. I was in a whole crowd of mages casting at the enemy, and I still got a sword through the gut. The timing was bad, it happened at the moment my barrier failed.
[He taps his fingers together between his knees.]
I've had trouble trusting barriers since then. I know I can make them, I know all the things I should be able to do, but I'm just.
[ Of course there is the urge to say, Imagine how those of us with no barriers at all feel. But it’s a weak urge. At the end of the day, mages—like royalty, like the rich—are only people, not imbued with any special wisdom or strength of character to match their power. ]
Do you practice?
[ In his experience, doing a thing over and over, while a peer tries to trip him, while a bardmaster is waiting in the wings to judge him if he slips, while his fingers are left broken so he has to work through it, while an instructor has leave to slightly stab him if he needs it to learn the lesson, it’s fine, Thomin will heal it—
That makes a thing easier to do in the moment it’s needed, scary or not.
He won’t bore Benedict with his personal life, but he does say, sounding intentionally like he’s quoting someone stuffy and stern, ]
I don't know how comfortable most of Riftwatch's leadership is with my using magic. Especially aggressive magic. I don't want to misstep again.
[He pushes his hair back out of his face, thinking.]
...which is why it surprised me that Byerly seemed to want me to. And I will, I just need to do it with people who won't. ...mind. I suppose.
[It was a lesson hard-learned, that cooperation and acknowledging the needs of others is necessary for anyone's success. The struggle now is to determine where to make room for self-determination.]
[ Bastien laughs a little at the understatement, which he can only assume was intentionally funny. ]
That is a good rule, ouais. But—look, there is no magebane now, is there? It is like you came in with a sword. They took it away. Now they have given it back. They wouldn’t have done that if they expected you to never use it.
If that was all of your problems, you are doing very well.
[ And in case the joke doesn’t make it obvious: ]
I don’t mind. Thank you for—you know. Wondering whether he might be dealing with something. [ Most people are always so eager to assume everything is personal and purposeful. ] I’ll look into it.
[ Bastien touches his empty hand to his chest, aw shucks, but— ]
I don’t lie to him.
[ Maybe that’s a stupid thing to tell Benedict, or anyone at all, when keeping it to himself might make it easier to collect secrets and catch anyone who does want to conspire.
But he likes the kid. Young man. Man. Whatever he is. ]
We have enough of that in our lives, you know? But, [ the best compromise he can offer, ] if it doesn’t come up, it doesn’t come up.
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[Benedict's glance flits up to Bastien, a bit of a sheepish smile reaching his eyes before it dwindles again,]
...not unprecedented. I'm a bit worried about him, but at least he requested protection for the mission. I suppose he just. Didn't like that I also did.
no subject
I'm certain it's more than he doesn't like the idea of you needing it, [ for any number of reasons, ] not that he doesn't want you to have it if you do.
[ After a moment, thoughtfully: ]
I don't know if it has anything to do with it, but it is hard for us, sometimes, you know. Magic. It's scary. It's weird. And it doesn't always seem fair. You are not the only dangerous people in the world, of course, but I worked for years to be dangerous— [ With a smile; he's a little chubby around the middle, he's eating soup, it's funny. ] —but any fifteen-year-old mage could still set me on fire without having to sweat.
no subject
I won't deny that mages are dangerous, [he says in a low voice,] I learned from some of the best. I was... well I was dosed with magebane for a reason, at least the first time I was below.
[He purses his lips, pausing a moment before continuing.]
But I was... I fought with Riftwatch in the Battle of Ghislain. I was in a whole crowd of mages casting at the enemy, and I still got a sword through the gut. The timing was bad, it happened at the moment my barrier failed.
[He taps his fingers together between his knees.]
I've had trouble trusting barriers since then. I know I can make them, I know all the things I should be able to do, but I'm just.
[He sighs grimly through his nose.]
Scared. ..often.
no subject
Do you practice?
[ In his experience, doing a thing over and over, while a peer tries to trip him, while a bardmaster is waiting in the wings to judge him if he slips, while his fingers are left broken so he has to work through it, while an instructor has leave to slightly stab him if he needs it to learn the lesson, it’s fine, Thomin will heal it—
That makes a thing easier to do in the moment it’s needed, scary or not.
He won’t bore Benedict with his personal life, but he does say, sounding intentionally like he’s quoting someone stuffy and stern, ]
Practice makes instinct.
no subject
[His shoulders hunch.]
I don't know how comfortable most of Riftwatch's leadership is with my using magic. Especially aggressive magic. I don't want to misstep again.
[He pushes his hair back out of his face, thinking.]
...which is why it surprised me that Byerly seemed to want me to. And I will, I just need to do it with people who won't. ...mind. I suppose.
[It was a lesson hard-learned, that cooperation and acknowledging the needs of others is necessary for anyone's success. The struggle now is to determine where to make room for self-determination.]
no subject
That is a good rule, ouais. But—look, there is no magebane now, is there? It is like you came in with a sword. They took it away. Now they have given it back. They wouldn’t have done that if they expected you to never use it.
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When you put it that way, it makes sense. [The corner of his mouth twitches into a smirk, though it falls back after a moment.]
...sorry, I didn't mean to dump all my problems on you. But. Thank you, all the same.
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[ And in case the joke doesn’t make it obvious: ]
I don’t mind. Thank you for—you know. Wondering whether he might be dealing with something. [ Most people are always so eager to assume everything is personal and purposeful. ] I’ll look into it.
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Maybe just... don't mention that I brought it up, if that's all right. Don't want him to think I'm conspiring.
[It's only half a joke. But Bastien has always been kind to him, even when almost nobody else was.]
He's lucky to have you in his corner.
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I don’t lie to him.
[ Maybe that’s a stupid thing to tell Benedict, or anyone at all, when keeping it to himself might make it easier to collect secrets and catch anyone who does want to conspire.
But he likes the kid. Young man. Man. Whatever he is. ]
We have enough of that in our lives, you know? But, [ the best compromise he can offer, ] if it doesn’t come up, it doesn’t come up.
no subject
Not without good reason, anyway.]