[ For a moment Bastien looks considering and entertained—as if he might enjoy daring her to throw her slippers and vindictively pick through the nuts, to see if she really will. Because he would enjoy it, so long as it stayed friendly. He pretends at catching himself with his shoulders raised, halfway through a shrug, and badly covering it for it by rolling them as if they’re sore. ]
I am very kind to myself.
[ It’s a possibly cashew-forfeiting answer, and certainly an unfair one. A little unfair to Athessa, who Bastien expects would knuckle through the salt in her wounded heart if he asked her to listen to him whine about his relatively good luck. And very unfair to Byerly, who’s gentle with every vulnerability and anxiety he works himself around to voicing. But under the circumstances—general and specific, with her only stopped here before going up for a conversation she fears will go badly—telling Alexandrie how sweet Byerly is to him seems cruel.
For the sake of the cashews, he adds, ]
But I do worry. Of course I do.
[ About the three of them. About what he matters to Alexandrie more than about what he matters to Byerly, lately. About the two of them entwined half-dressed on the bed he hadn’t been able to sit on, the my Byerly and the kissing and murmuring about humoring Bastien over his foolish breakfast.
He’d rather step on a spike than unload any of that on her now, though. Instead, compromising, trying more than anything to not leave her feeling alone in having uncertainties: ]
In the beginning I was very sure that he was in love with you and only holding onto my hand because he was scared. I tied myself into all sorts of knots about it.
If you feel so still, then we are each of us more sure of the other's place and keeping our fingers busy with sailor's work.
[ She makes it sound lighter than she feels it, but after a few words Alexandrie finds she cannot look at him. Her eyes flick away instead to the dish of nuts— a small cover, although not one she expects to work on Bastien— so she can pick out an almond. She'll show it to him with a little smile before she eats it: vengeance escaped. ]
[ He swipes two fingers over his forehead to mime swiping away sweat in relief, with a smile not quite as little as hers. Smaller than it would be, though, if she hadn't needed to look away. ]
I don't. Not like I did before. I think nearly everyone's certainty about nearly everything wobbles, but that's only wobbles, you know, it's not...
[ He trails off; his smile widens. ]
But I am still sure of your place, too. I didn't have to trade. [ He reaches for one of his precious cashews, and his tone goes sing-song and teasing, as if they are back in the city, young again, with everything lighter. ] He has it sooo bad for you.
[ It should make her happy, the teasing. It should make her laugh and throw nuts at him with a sparkle in her eyes and a flush of colour in her cheeks.
Instead it rips her heart out because it falls so easily off Bastien's lips and she has to drag it from Byerly with her fingernails and it feels like a scrapbook of every time she broke herself open and he turned away.
She doesn't cry, at least. Or blanch, or freeze, or run. She speaks, softly: ]
He does not trust me enough to say so, and were he to... I am not sure I trust him enough to truly believe.
[ Then she is back at the bowl, hunting for almonds with a wan smile. ]
I think perhaps you think us easier with one another than we are.
[ He was there for some of the miscommunication and despair. He was also there for the paeans and herb kingdoms. Perhaps he's overestimating the prevalence of the latter. And that wan smile isn't what he wanted, short-term, with his teasing. But that she's talking to him is what he wanted, longer-term, so he won't beat himself up too badly for the miscalculation.
He holds out a hand, palm flat, in silent request for a cashew. Or whatever else she'd like to give him. He isn't so picky. ]
Have you talked to him about—about Val Royeaux? About where he went afterwards? How it was?
[ She finds him some. One, two; the little curled crescents deftly picked from the mix and deposited into the waiting hand. ]
Some. Not as we should speak. I think perhaps the both of us are avoiding it, or allowing the other to.
I do not even know what he did that night.
[ And she doesn't want to ask. Not only because it will hurt to hear, but because she doesn't want him to ask her what she had done. It is the first stone of the soulless road she paved, and thinking too closely of it now— thinking too closely about near everything in those silent years— is like looking directly at the sun.
[ It is the only polite thing to say while he’s chewing. After he’s swallowed, though— ]
I hate to give advice, because then if it goes badly it is my fault. [ A joke. Sort of. ] And I don’t know how things are for the two of you when I am not there, you know, making them much worse.
[ Also a joke; also only sort of. ]
I think it is hard to talk to someone about how they have hurt you unless you don’t mind hurting them back. But I think if I were hurt—if I were capable of being hurt— [ One last joke for the road, with a wry little smile, because he doesn’t expect her to believe that old spy’s lie. ] —then knowing that the person who hurt me understood what it meant for me, feeling like they could carry that with me—it would be a step. [ Again: ] I think.
[ He thinks of Byerly, younger and even skinnier and selling his violin to scrape by, and his default pleasant expression dips for a moment. But then it’s back. ]
I also think I do not really know what I am doing, most of the time, so...
[ For a little while she is quiet, considering. Thinking of how often it is that they are strangers to each other— she and Byerly. The violent dichotomy of their intimacy; how quickly a moment of incredible softness turns to the heat of her fear fueled rage and the chill of his withdrawal. How the closer they hold one another, the easier it is to tear one another to shreds when they stray from knowing into nothing.
If there were more knowing, perhaps...
Finally: ]
You do not make things worse, Bastien. Telling a man who is unaware he has taken a wound that he bleeds is not the cause of the bleeding.
[ She'd been palming cashews as she picked them out, one tucked away for every one she'd revealed. She puts them on the desk now, a little offering. ]
[ Bastien nods, smiles wider for the additional cashew bounty, and picks one up. ]
Thank you. [ For the cashews, for the kind correction. He splits the nut in half with his nail rather than eat it straight away. ] Tell me how it goes—your conversation about Miss Poppell. Or if I do not see or hear from you until tomorrow I will just assume it went very well.
[ A joke, like his: sort of. But when she gets up and brushes her hands lightly down her skirt to set it hanging properly she is looking at him again. And if her smile is not a broad bright thing, it is at least not sad. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I am very kind to myself.
[ It’s a possibly cashew-forfeiting answer, and certainly an unfair one. A little unfair to Athessa, who Bastien expects would knuckle through the salt in her wounded heart if he asked her to listen to him whine about his relatively good luck. And very unfair to Byerly, who’s gentle with every vulnerability and anxiety he works himself around to voicing. But under the circumstances—general and specific, with her only stopped here before going up for a conversation she fears will go badly—telling Alexandrie how sweet Byerly is to him seems cruel.
For the sake of the cashews, he adds, ]
But I do worry. Of course I do.
[ About the three of them. About what he matters to Alexandrie more than about what he matters to Byerly, lately. About the two of them entwined half-dressed on the bed he hadn’t been able to sit on, the my Byerly and the kissing and murmuring about humoring Bastien over his foolish breakfast.
He’d rather step on a spike than unload any of that on her now, though. Instead, compromising, trying more than anything to not leave her feeling alone in having uncertainties: ]
In the beginning I was very sure that he was in love with you and only holding onto my hand because he was scared. I tied myself into all sorts of knots about it.
no subject
[ She makes it sound lighter than she feels it, but after a few words Alexandrie finds she cannot look at him. Her eyes flick away instead to the dish of nuts— a small cover, although not one she expects to work on Bastien— so she can pick out an almond. She'll show it to him with a little smile before she eats it: vengeance escaped. ]
no subject
I don't. Not like I did before. I think nearly everyone's certainty about nearly everything wobbles, but that's only wobbles, you know, it's not...
[ He trails off; his smile widens. ]
But I am still sure of your place, too. I didn't have to trade. [ He reaches for one of his precious cashews, and his tone goes sing-song and teasing, as if they are back in the city, young again, with everything lighter. ] He has it sooo bad for you.
no subject
Instead it rips her heart out because it falls so easily off Bastien's lips and she has to drag it from Byerly with her fingernails and it feels like a scrapbook of every time she broke herself open and he turned away.
She doesn't cry, at least. Or blanch, or freeze, or run. She speaks, softly: ]
He does not trust me enough to say so, and were he to... I am not sure I trust him enough to truly believe.
[ Then she is back at the bowl, hunting for almonds with a wan smile. ]
I think perhaps you think us easier with one another than we are.
no subject
[ He was there for some of the miscommunication and despair. He was also there for the paeans and herb kingdoms. Perhaps he's overestimating the prevalence of the latter. And that wan smile isn't what he wanted, short-term, with his teasing. But that she's talking to him is what he wanted, longer-term, so he won't beat himself up too badly for the miscalculation.
He holds out a hand, palm flat, in silent request for a cashew. Or whatever else she'd like to give him. He isn't so picky. ]
Have you talked to him about—about Val Royeaux? About where he went afterwards? How it was?
no subject
[ She finds him some. One, two; the little curled crescents deftly picked from the mix and deposited into the waiting hand. ]
Some. Not as we should speak. I think perhaps the both of us are avoiding it, or allowing the other to.
I do not even know what he did that night.
[ And she doesn't want to ask. Not only because it will hurt to hear, but because she doesn't want him to ask her what she had done. It is the first stone of the soulless road she paved, and thinking too closely of it now— thinking too closely about near everything in those silent years— is like looking directly at the sun.
So she doesn't. ]
no subject
[ It is the only polite thing to say while he’s chewing. After he’s swallowed, though— ]
I hate to give advice, because then if it goes badly it is my fault. [ A joke. Sort of. ] And I don’t know how things are for the two of you when I am not there, you know, making them much worse.
[ Also a joke; also only sort of. ]
I think it is hard to talk to someone about how they have hurt you unless you don’t mind hurting them back. But I think if I were hurt—if I were capable of being hurt— [ One last joke for the road, with a wry little smile, because he doesn’t expect her to believe that old spy’s lie. ] —then knowing that the person who hurt me understood what it meant for me, feeling like they could carry that with me—it would be a step. [ Again: ] I think.
[ He thinks of Byerly, younger and even skinnier and selling his violin to scrape by, and his default pleasant expression dips for a moment. But then it’s back. ]
I also think I do not really know what I am doing, most of the time, so...
no subject
If there were more knowing, perhaps...
Finally: ]
You do not make things worse, Bastien. Telling a man who is unaware he has taken a wound that he bleeds is not the cause of the bleeding.
[ She'd been palming cashews as she picked them out, one tucked away for every one she'd revealed. She puts them on the desk now, a little offering. ]
You make things better. It is better to know.
no subject
Thank you. [ For the cashews, for the kind correction. He splits the nut in half with his nail rather than eat it straight away. ] Tell me how it goes—your conversation about Miss Poppell. Or if I do not see or hear from you until tomorrow I will just assume it went very well.
no subject
[ A joke, like his: sort of. But when she gets up and brushes her hands lightly down her skirt to set it hanging properly she is looking at him again. And if her smile is not a broad bright thing, it is at least not sad. ]
I will. [ A pause, and— ] Thank you.