He said the same thing to Alexandrie, not long ago, when she was leaving for Antiva.
"It is repaired or it becomes something new. Maybe not what you hoped it would be at first, but..." He shrugs, and falters a little—another rare thing—and says, "I was in love with my friend for a long time. Vincent. I wanted it so badly, I held onto everything that gave me hope and explained everything that should have made me realize he was never going to—"
A grimacing little smile, in lieu of words.
"I don't want you to be doing this to yourself years from now, chérie."
Athessa gives her own little grimace at the thought of being like this for years to come, regardless of how many others find their way into her heart. A mess in perpetuity.
"How did you stop pining after Vincent?" She thinks she knows the answer, but part of the reason she's in this mess of misery is because she doesn't want to leave, and doesn't want Derrica to resort to that, either.
"I didn't, for a while. Even after he said no in a way I couldn't reason my way around. We were friends. I had dinner with his family every few weeks—his children liked me."
He holds a hand down, lower than the edge of the desk, to indicate how small they were at the time.
"And I kept wanting it. But I stopped believing I could make it happen if I found the right combination of things to say and do. It wasn't good, but it was better."
"Did you ever feel like he was avoiding you or only being your friend out of pity?"
Maybe that's a bit too specific to her situation to apply to Baz and Vincent, but it wouldn't be the only difference between her relationship with Derrica and his with Vincent. For one, Derrica isn't about to marry someone and have children that Athessa will have to entertain like some kind of weird unrelated auntie.
"No," he says, then shakes his head, and looks sorry. "No, but we did not have to live in the same building or work together. By then he did not even live in the city. He had to invite me or come see me on purpose."
A very different situation.
"But I would be very surprised if she was only your friend out of pity. She might feel like she is hurting you and feel sorry about it, but not is not the same thing as befriending someone out of pity."
A sigh deflates her slightly, makes her smaller than she already is, and she sets talk of pity aside for now. She looks at her hand, at the lines Bastien traced, the same lines Derrica had traced many times before while they sat and they talked and they knew nothing of the mess they'd find themselves in mere months later. Fingers curl into a loose fist and her hand drops to her lap.
"We said we wouldn't avoid each other," she says, unsure whether it's a defense or an indictment. "She said she was sorry for doing that to me, and we agreed, back at the start, that we wouldn't do that again. She said she had to do better, to try to figure out what's best for us, but—"
But that was months ago. That was after Churneau, and since then how much effort has been spent on trying to find where they fit in each other's lives? Athessa has been trying and failing to ignore the way she feels about Derrica, trying and failing to be a good friend, to leave off any compliments or topics that stray too close to flirtation or memories of what they used to do to pass the time together.
Athessa sniffs, but doesn't allow herself to cry any more tears over this. Not now.
"—It feels like this isn't as important to her as it is to me."
Translation: It doesn't feel like I'm as important to her as she is to me.
He could tell her what he thinks she'd like to hear. It's easier. And people are rarely angry with you for giving them bad advice if it's the advice they wanted. If he loved her less, he would.
But he doesn't love her less, so he slides off the desk and holds his hand out to her again. This time to pull her up, if she'll let him. There's no good way to hug someone sitting in a chair.
"It might not be," he says. "It's—fucking miserable—" Like she said to him, after Vincent died. "—but sometimes that is how things go."
Fucking miserable is right. Athessa will let herself be pulled to standing, posture loose, gaze settled low and her features cast in quiet misery and resign.
"I hate it," she says, though her tone doesn't begin to sound as petulant as the words themselves might otherwise be. It wouldn't be unreasonable to expect It's not fair to be the next thing she says.
"I hate how much it hurts and how hard it is to let go."
"But I don't want to be alright," she says into the hug. If she returns it, if she wraps her arms around him and squeezes, she might cry. So she just lets her arms hang limp at her sides and leans.
Her limp-armed leaning is fine. He keeps his arms around her shoulders and rocks side to side, just a bit, in the faint suggestion of a dance. A slow and sad one.
"Not all the time. No one is happy all the time. And maybe not today or tomorrow, because you're hurt and sometimes you have to feel it. But after that. A little bit at a time, more and more. You'll see."
Athessa grumbles. Not words, just general sounds of displeasure at being displeased. She grumbles and she leans and heaves a great sigh.
"Somebody ought to outlaw feeling like this," she says, muffled by his shirt until she turns her head to speak into open air. "At least then I could pretend to be roguish instead of a disaster."
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no subject
He said the same thing to Alexandrie, not long ago, when she was leaving for Antiva.
"It is repaired or it becomes something new. Maybe not what you hoped it would be at first, but..." He shrugs, and falters a little—another rare thing—and says, "I was in love with my friend for a long time. Vincent. I wanted it so badly, I held onto everything that gave me hope and explained everything that should have made me realize he was never going to—"
A grimacing little smile, in lieu of words.
"I don't want you to be doing this to yourself years from now, chérie."
no subject
"How did you stop pining after Vincent?" She thinks she knows the answer, but part of the reason she's in this mess of misery is because she doesn't want to leave, and doesn't want Derrica to resort to that, either.
no subject
He holds a hand down, lower than the edge of the desk, to indicate how small they were at the time.
"And I kept wanting it. But I stopped believing I could make it happen if I found the right combination of things to say and do. It wasn't good, but it was better."
no subject
Maybe that's a bit too specific to her situation to apply to Baz and Vincent, but it wouldn't be the only difference between her relationship with Derrica and his with Vincent. For one, Derrica isn't about to marry someone and have children that Athessa will have to entertain like some kind of weird unrelated auntie.
no subject
A very different situation.
"But I would be very surprised if she was only your friend out of pity. She might feel like she is hurting you and feel sorry about it, but not is not the same thing as befriending someone out of pity."
no subject
"We said we wouldn't avoid each other," she says, unsure whether it's a defense or an indictment. "She said she was sorry for doing that to me, and we agreed, back at the start, that we wouldn't do that again. She said she had to do better, to try to figure out what's best for us, but—"
But that was months ago. That was after Churneau, and since then how much effort has been spent on trying to find where they fit in each other's lives? Athessa has been trying and failing to ignore the way she feels about Derrica, trying and failing to be a good friend, to leave off any compliments or topics that stray too close to flirtation or memories of what they used to do to pass the time together.
Athessa sniffs, but doesn't allow herself to cry any more tears over this. Not now.
"—It feels like this isn't as important to her as it is to me."
Translation: It doesn't feel like I'm as important to her as she is to me.
no subject
But he doesn't love her less, so he slides off the desk and holds his hand out to her again. This time to pull her up, if she'll let him. There's no good way to hug someone sitting in a chair.
"It might not be," he says. "It's—fucking miserable—" Like she said to him, after Vincent died. "—but sometimes that is how things go."
no subject
"I hate it," she says, though her tone doesn't begin to sound as petulant as the words themselves might otherwise be. It wouldn't be unreasonable to expect It's not fair to be the next thing she says.
"I hate how much it hurts and how hard it is to let go."
no subject
"Me, too," he says. "I would do it for you if I could. But you will be all right, I promise."
no subject
"I wanna be happy."
no subject
Her limp-armed leaning is fine. He keeps his arms around her shoulders and rocks side to side, just a bit, in the faint suggestion of a dance. A slow and sad one.
"Not all the time. No one is happy all the time. And maybe not today or tomorrow, because you're hurt and sometimes you have to feel it. But after that. A little bit at a time, more and more. You'll see."
no subject
"Somebody ought to outlaw feeling like this," she says, muffled by his shirt until she turns her head to speak into open air. "At least then I could pretend to be roguish instead of a disaster."