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Ah. Well—I feel less guilty for thinking he must want something from me, then.
[ He wouldn't feel guilty regardless. Not about Colin. Guilt doesn't happen to him easily, and nearly everyone wants something, so it isn't really an insult to think they must. But he does feel a little pang, unfocused in the background and in need of further examination, about what he's doing with Byerly. The hovering and waiting, anticipating discovering that he's been used, however unintentionally and forgivably, and that By doesn't really mean what he's said. Maybe it's not dissimilar. Maybe Byerly's earned better than that from him.
But staying on topic: ]
That would have been a long time ago, no? Do you think he still thinks that of you?
[ He wouldn't feel guilty regardless. Not about Colin. Guilt doesn't happen to him easily, and nearly everyone wants something, so it isn't really an insult to think they must. But he does feel a little pang, unfocused in the background and in need of further examination, about what he's doing with Byerly. The hovering and waiting, anticipating discovering that he's been used, however unintentionally and forgivably, and that By doesn't really mean what he's said. Maybe it's not dissimilar. Maybe Byerly's earned better than that from him.
But staying on topic: ]
That would have been a long time ago, no? Do you think he still thinks that of you?
Oh, he apologized after. Baked me quite a grand cake as an act of contrition, or to show off his skills, or a bit of both. It ended in another fight, though.
[ He thinks of Colin. Thinks of Athessa. ]
I do not know if it will ever be otherwise. I wonder if there are some things which, once broken, can never be repaired.
[ He thinks of Colin. Thinks of Athessa. ]
I do not know if it will ever be otherwise. I wonder if there are some things which, once broken, can never be repaired.
I think most things can be put back together, but putting the same pieces back into the same shape, it is never really the same. There will be cracks. Points of weakness where you can never put too much pressure again. You have to add something new to strengthen them, or remake them into a new shape that uses the pieces as they are instead of as they were—
[ He stops, sighs at himself. ]
Metaphors. Do you want it to be otherwise?
[ He stops, sighs at himself. ]
Metaphors. Do you want it to be otherwise?
[ Fondly: ]
Metaphors.
[ He gives a little swirl to the chocolate in his cup, looking down at it pensively. ]
I suppose, also...Well. As you identified, the things he wants to talk about are painful things. Mage suffering, other suffering, his suffering. The heartstrings can only be tugged so much until they snap, and I was never a man with strong heartstrings. And they're under rather a lot of pressure of late.
So I wish peace with the boy. Why would I not? As you said, he's sweet. But.
Metaphors.
[ He gives a little swirl to the chocolate in his cup, looking down at it pensively. ]
I suppose, also...Well. As you identified, the things he wants to talk about are painful things. Mage suffering, other suffering, his suffering. The heartstrings can only be tugged so much until they snap, and I was never a man with strong heartstrings. And they're under rather a lot of pressure of late.
So I wish peace with the boy. Why would I not? As you said, he's sweet. But.
[ Bastien watches him, then looks back at the painting on his shelf. ]
Perhaps he talks so much of suffering because it is what he knows best. I said something like it to him, even: people love to talk about their areas of expertise. Especially when they feel awkward or uncertain, they retreat back into what is familiar to them.
But it is not wrong for you to be unable to hold everything everyone holds out to you.
Perhaps he talks so much of suffering because it is what he knows best. I said something like it to him, even: people love to talk about their areas of expertise. Especially when they feel awkward or uncertain, they retreat back into what is familiar to them.
But it is not wrong for you to be unable to hold everything everyone holds out to you.
According to Athessa, it is.
[ He smiles, but it's rather flat. Either a measure of his misery or his comfort with Bastien, that he expends less energy to posture. ]
She thinks I am a coward and should be ashamed of myself for giving up on him. By the by, I am fully aware of the irony of coming to you to complain about someone who complains too much.
[ He smiles, but it's rather flat. Either a measure of his misery or his comfort with Bastien, that he expends less energy to posture. ]
She thinks I am a coward and should be ashamed of myself for giving up on him. By the by, I am fully aware of the irony of coming to you to complain about someone who complains too much.
That is different.
[ So easily it might be mistaken for courteous dismissal, so he follows up, balancing his hot chocolate on his lap so he can use his hands for an illustrated metaphor: both hands held up vertical and flat, tilting in unison to make a point, both literally and figuratively. ]
You lean, I lean. [ He wobbles his illustration a little. ] No one falls over.
[ And a demonstration of falling over, too, with one hand straightening up and then being pressed over backwards by the weight of the other. Then his hands return to the important business of hot chocolate. ]
You are not a coward.
[ So easily it might be mistaken for courteous dismissal, so he follows up, balancing his hot chocolate on his lap so he can use his hands for an illustrated metaphor: both hands held up vertical and flat, tilting in unison to make a point, both literally and figuratively. ]
You lean, I lean. [ He wobbles his illustration a little. ] No one falls over.
[ And a demonstration of falling over, too, with one hand straightening up and then being pressed over backwards by the weight of the other. Then his hands return to the important business of hot chocolate. ]
You are not a coward.
[ He lifts the chocolate in a toast to: ]
Metaphors.
[ He hopes that Bastien isn't just being kind. It feels like the pain that By brings far outweighs the pain that Bastien brings. Thank the Maker, he thinks, that he caught Bastien that afternoon in the rain, and heard his story. Any other moment, and Bastien likely wouldn't have permitted that vulnerability - but having been brought in, By now knows. Leaning against each other. ]
I'm a bit of a coward. I spent quite a long time running away from Alexandrie.
[ Matter-of-factly. ]
But...This doesn't quite feel like cowardice. Not like that.
Metaphors.
[ He hopes that Bastien isn't just being kind. It feels like the pain that By brings far outweighs the pain that Bastien brings. Thank the Maker, he thinks, that he caught Bastien that afternoon in the rain, and heard his story. Any other moment, and Bastien likely wouldn't have permitted that vulnerability - but having been brought in, By now knows. Leaning against each other. ]
I'm a bit of a coward. I spent quite a long time running away from Alexandrie.
[ Matter-of-factly. ]
But...This doesn't quite feel like cowardice. Not like that.
[ Bastien nods and thinks while he drinks. ]
I think he is not good at seeing how much is too much for someone. Where the line is. Like a fish–fuck.
[ Now he'll notice them all. But he continues, resigned: ]
—a fish thinks everyone is fine being wet. Except who fucking knows what fish think. [ Another drink. ] But maybe you could be friendly without being that sort of friend. If you wanted to be. You do not have to be friends with everyone. Even Athessa, as long as you don't hate each other.
I think he is not good at seeing how much is too much for someone. Where the line is. Like a fish–fuck.
[ Now he'll notice them all. But he continues, resigned: ]
—a fish thinks everyone is fine being wet. Except who fucking knows what fish think. [ Another drink. ] But maybe you could be friendly without being that sort of friend. If you wanted to be. You do not have to be friends with everyone. Even Athessa, as long as you don't hate each other.
That's the torture of being here, I think. I used to be the undisputed master of being friendly without being a friend. [ A little gesture towards Bastien; him as well, no? ] But everyone here is just so fucking full of feelings.
[ Unlike them, of course; they are chill.
A slight pivot: ]
Why do you like Athessa?
[ It's not asked cruelly; rather, it's genuine curiosity. ]
[ Unlike them, of course; they are chill.
A slight pivot: ]
Why do you like Athessa?
[ It's not asked cruelly; rather, it's genuine curiosity. ]
[ Super chill.
He hums, thoughtful. Why does he like Athessa. It seems like a question not properly answered by rattling off positive qualities. He could do that for anyone. ]
The first time we really talked, she told me she left her clan because she was recruited as a secret agent. It was actually something sad, of course—it is always something sad. But the urge to tell it as something better...
[ A shrug. He relates. ]
She makes me laugh. She is having a hard time right now, but usually we have a similar rhythm—not taking things too seriously until we do, and then not taking them too seriously again to shake it off. And I wouldn't tell her everything I tell you, but when I do want to tell her something, she listens, and when I am done wanting to tell her things, she lets me stop.
And she trusts me. It is nice to be trusted—really trusted, by someone who even knows the reasons why they perhaps should not. And, [ speaking of shaking off seriousness, ] she is taking me to Rivain on a griffon someday.
He hums, thoughtful. Why does he like Athessa. It seems like a question not properly answered by rattling off positive qualities. He could do that for anyone. ]
The first time we really talked, she told me she left her clan because she was recruited as a secret agent. It was actually something sad, of course—it is always something sad. But the urge to tell it as something better...
[ A shrug. He relates. ]
She makes me laugh. She is having a hard time right now, but usually we have a similar rhythm—not taking things too seriously until we do, and then not taking them too seriously again to shake it off. And I wouldn't tell her everything I tell you, but when I do want to tell her something, she listens, and when I am done wanting to tell her things, she lets me stop.
And she trusts me. It is nice to be trusted—really trusted, by someone who even knows the reasons why they perhaps should not. And, [ speaking of shaking off seriousness, ] she is taking me to Rivain on a griffon someday.
If I had an answer, I'd give it to you.
[ A breath out. Then a shrug. ]
Similar to Colin, I fancy. Starting off by doing me the injury of seeing me incorrectly. And then taking no time to find lenses to correct her vision. [ Another shrug. ] I told her of my peculiar little vocation, and she told me I was a liar. I think. Or maybe she does believe me, and simply gives no shits, because not a single question was asked. And she tells me it's my fault, because I am a liar.
I suspect, truthfully, that she may simply want me to solve her problems for her. Which I'm all right with, in truth; I simply would prefer her to be honest about that, rather than trying to veil it with I want to be your friend.
[ A breath out. Then a shrug. ]
Similar to Colin, I fancy. Starting off by doing me the injury of seeing me incorrectly. And then taking no time to find lenses to correct her vision. [ Another shrug. ] I told her of my peculiar little vocation, and she told me I was a liar. I think. Or maybe she does believe me, and simply gives no shits, because not a single question was asked. And she tells me it's my fault, because I am a liar.
I suspect, truthfully, that she may simply want me to solve her problems for her. Which I'm all right with, in truth; I simply would prefer her to be honest about that, rather than trying to veil it with I want to be your friend.
Edited 2020-09-19 19:37 (UTC)
Mm.
[ Thoughtful. Despite his promise to pretend, it's obviously hard not to think of the Athessa Byerly is talking about as the one who recently listened to his troubles and kissed his forehead goodnight. But he tries. ]
You know, she did the same thing with me. Not all of it, I mean, but when I told her I was a bard. No when or why or how, then or in all the time I have been training her. Which is fine with me. I don't particularly want to tell her. But I expected to have to at least do some evasion, and no. I think it is just how she is.
[ Thoughtful. Despite his promise to pretend, it's obviously hard not to think of the Athessa Byerly is talking about as the one who recently listened to his troubles and kissed his forehead goodnight. But he tries. ]
You know, she did the same thing with me. Not all of it, I mean, but when I told her I was a bard. No when or why or how, then or in all the time I have been training her. Which is fine with me. I don't particularly want to tell her. But I expected to have to at least do some evasion, and no. I think it is just how she is.
[ A lifted eyebrow. ]
Indifferent? [ A shake of his head. ] She was demanding to know why I was such a liar, and when I told her, she barely even acknowledged I'd given her an answer. Blacksmith, why are your hands so rough? No, that makes no sense, give me the real answer.
Indifferent? [ A shake of his head. ] She was demanding to know why I was such a liar, and when I told her, she barely even acknowledged I'd given her an answer. Blacksmith, why are your hands so rough? No, that makes no sense, give me the real answer.
[ He smiles, but then he’s more serious again. ]
I think—
I don’t know. Perhaps some of it is indifference. She has been frustrated with you lately, so I’m sure she isn’t approaching everything with an open and generous heart.
But I think she is also—different, than we are. She shares herself easily. I think she expects other people to do it, too. Like—
[ Damn it. Another. ]
—how some people think an open door is an invitation to walk inside and sit down, and others will stand outside waiting to be invited. We need the invitation, but she might think we are the strange ones for standing outside the door.
I am not sure the Dalish even have doors.
I think—
I don’t know. Perhaps some of it is indifference. She has been frustrated with you lately, so I’m sure she isn’t approaching everything with an open and generous heart.
But I think she is also—different, than we are. She shares herself easily. I think she expects other people to do it, too. Like—
[ Damn it. Another. ]
—how some people think an open door is an invitation to walk inside and sit down, and others will stand outside waiting to be invited. We need the invitation, but she might think we are the strange ones for standing outside the door.
I am not sure the Dalish even have doors.
[ Another toast to: ]
Metaphors.
[ Then a sigh. ]
All of that is fine, I should say. But - [ Well. ] I suppose my mind just always goes back to that moment when she thought I was asking something truly awful of her. How easily she came to that conclusion. And how inevitable it seems that she will find her way there again.
Metaphors.
[ Then a sigh. ]
All of that is fine, I should say. But - [ Well. ] I suppose my mind just always goes back to that moment when she thought I was asking something truly awful of her. How easily she came to that conclusion. And how inevitable it seems that she will find her way there again.
I’m sorry.
[ He’s already provided the only explanation for that he can think of—that life is hard for women, etc.—so he doesn’t repeat it. ]
The only thing she has said to me about you recently is that she doesn’t think badly of you, and she finds it frustrating that you think badly of yourself, and she hoped if I told you she doesn’t think you’re wretched you might believe it.
But I know it is not that easy.
[ He’s already provided the only explanation for that he can think of—that life is hard for women, etc.—so he doesn’t repeat it. ]
The only thing she has said to me about you recently is that she doesn’t think badly of you, and she finds it frustrating that you think badly of yourself, and she hoped if I told you she doesn’t think you’re wretched you might believe it.
But I know it is not that easy.
I told you that you could. [ He nudges Byerly’s arm with his foot, where it’s still propped on the arm of his chair. ] And you can.
Anyway, she is not only my friend. I am supposed to be training her. I think she might have even told me about—that incident, when she said that about your wife? The first day we agreed to work together. She told me she had said something to upset you and wanted advice on how to repair it, but she didn’t know why or remember what she had said to cause it.
We are working on it. So it is good for me to know.
Anyway, she is not only my friend. I am supposed to be training her. I think she might have even told me about—that incident, when she said that about your wife? The first day we agreed to work together. She told me she had said something to upset you and wanted advice on how to repair it, but she didn’t know why or remember what she had said to cause it.
We are working on it. So it is good for me to know.
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