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[cozen]

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crystal

[thereneverwas]

My dear Bastien,

[let's pretend I didn't have a total meltdown in front of you and we're just cheerful jokey pals who can flirt in a friendly heterosexual kind of way,]

I wonder if I might ask your help with something.

[cozen]

[ Great news: pretending is his job. ]

Of course, my fine man.

[thereneverwas]

If I were to create a guide of sorts, on how to operate and maintain our siege weapons-- is that something you could reproduce with your press?

[cozen]

If you help me run it.

[thereneverwas]

Sounds like a deal.

[cozen]

Fantastique. Let me know when it is ready.

I have been wanting to experiment with printing into our crystal books, too. Maybe this would be a good time? With separate copies to keep with the machines, of course, or whatever else you were imagining.

[thereneverwas]

Aye, not sure yet, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

First I need to find someone who can draw the fucking things.

[cozen]

I know a guy. If you promise to be nice to him, I'll send him your way.

[thereneverwas]

Hey, when have I not been nice to someone?

[cozen]

You took my beard oil.

[ During the White Druffalo Satinalia gift exchange, two billion years ago. ]

[thereneverwas]

Yeah, then you paid an urchin to pretend I was their absentee father.

…and you don’t even have a beard.

[cozen]

I have facial hair that needs to be oiled, and this is not about whether I'm always nice. It's about whether you are always nice. And you are not.

[thereneverwas]

Fine.

…is there a reason I won’t want to be nice to him?

[cozen]

He is just so easy to bully.

[thereneverwas]

Tempting, but I’ll do my best.

[thereneverwas]

—-and stealing was part of the game, you spoilsport.

[cozen]

I know stealing was part of the game. I had just stolen it.

From Byerly.

[ With whom his Official Relationship TM was, at the time, about three weeks old. ]

I had plans for that oil.

[thereneverwas]

How do you know I didn’t??

[cozen]

Did you?

[thereneverwas]

Yeah, mate, I put it on my fucking face.

[cozen]

[ The longest sigh. ]

[thereneverwas]

Look, introduce me to your friend and there’ll be a whole new bottle of beard oil in it for you. I won’t even ask what you’re going to do with it.

[cozen]

[ Barrow voice, with a poor imitation of his accent but an excellent imitation of his cadence and tone, ]

Put it on my fucking face, mate.

[thereneverwas]

[his characteristically raucous laugh rings over the crystal]