"I didn't, for a while. Even after he said no in a way I couldn't reason my way around. We were friends. I had dinner with his family every few weeks—his children liked me."

He holds a hand down, lower than the edge of the desk, to indicate how small they were at the time.

"And I kept wanting it. But I stopped believing I could make it happen if I found the right combination of things to say and do. It wasn't good, but it was better."